My dearest naturalexponent,

I apologize profusely for this greatly overdue letter! I cannot express how repugnant I feel for failing to mail a swift correspondence, and for leaving you with such uncertainty of my safety and well-being. I am not sure if you are aware of this, but the weather has not been kind to our region as of late. The conditions have been (much like myself) repugnant and for the most part uncommonly frigid (unlike myself). What I mean to say is, I feared leaving the security and warmth of my abode to obtain the post due to these conditions. Additionally, last week in the evening time, perhaps around 12 o' clock each night, I overheard what seemed to be a family of young hormonal bears, possibly bruins, bellowing from every direction. I can only hope you understand the circumstances on which I decided to stay within the confines of my home until now.

Leaving aside the aforementioned, take comfort in receiving this and knowing that I am faring well in my endeavors. For four fortnights I have painstakingly been occupied by the drudgery of course assignment after course assignment. Fortunately, all that labor has culminated into course marks with which I am most content albeit there were opportunities for improvement. And you, sweetest naturalexponent, how have you fared?

From what I conjured from your past letters, it appears you have an inkling for the atmospheric sciences. I was considerably fond of my earth science courses earlier in my undergraduate career and the only advice I deem imperative to offer you is the following: pursue it. In some form or another. In essence, you need not abandon all that you've done or adopt a new career; simply integrate it into the career for which you strive. I regret that I never pursued the earth sciences and these days I invariably speculate what might have been. Nevertheless, I am satisfied with my pursuits. I wish for you only good things in life and I have no doubt in my mind that you shall do admirable works.

I say dearest naturaleponent, I hope for a pleasant anecdote or two from you in your next letter. I shall however not urge you to make it swift, for I shamelessly did not make this one in kind and for that I apologize again from the very depths of my heart.

Alas, if you encounter the postman, please send him my regards.


With love and admiration,
jutterbug

Postmarked on the 4th of December, 2006:

Mr. Natural Exponent,

I apologize that I did not respond to your previous writings. It was in the worst of taste. I feel that I am able to correct my aforementioned wrongs, however, by letting you know the reason you have not been receiving the correspondence that Ms. Jutterbug has so sweetly been sending you.

As I remarked in an earlier letter back to Ms. Jutterbug, and as I'm sure you know yourself, should your nose be up to par, the letters she sends off carry the aroma of lilacs. You and I, I'm doubly sure, are not the only ones who enjoy such a scent. You see, we have been having one of our posts being raided most recently. I have just found out that the culprits are none other than a band of Trojans. As everyone knows, Trojans can smell a lilac from a mile away, putting my nasal prowess to shame. I have no doubt that Ms. Jutterbug's letters were the cause of this.

Do not fear though. I have just received the most magnificent news. It seems that the Trojans have been beaten by a group of bears; Bruins to be exact. This of course means that Ms. Jutterbug's letters are able to carry forth and I will be most delighted to make sure I keep sending them on their way.

Again, I apologize for any problems this may have created for you and I hope this news will lessen the hardship you must have endured while being unable to read Ms. Bug's letters.

FakeThug
Master of Post

My delicate jutterbug,

It feels to me as if an entire epoch has passed me by since I have last received a letter from you. Surely, you have not run into any troubles or difficulties? I merely wish to express my concern and I hope that if you do receive this message, it will spur you to send one back to me in swift order so that I may be content in knowing you are safe. But I do understand that you are probably extremely occupied with academic endeavours, specifically with final examinations approaching anon. I, too, must attend to such matters, but only bedgrudgingly. Prithee, confer me the comfort of release from my anxieties.

providently yours,
naturalexponent

Most cherished jutterbug,

I sincerely lament my inability to have dispatched a reponse to you sooner. No doubt you are well aware of the frenetic, laborious pace at which we have had to apply our energies due to the much abhorred mid-term examinations so cruelly imposed upon us. Frankly I possessed neither the motivation nor the vitality to pen any non-requisite composition! Regardless, here I am now.

I am not completely positive what to make of the familial impression your professor made on you. It strikes me that your bleak outlook on this course has been transformed as a result of this encounter. At the very least, I surmise you are putting forth a more serious effort in this class, lest you disappoint your instructor, which in some bizarre sense would be akin to disappointing your own mother. Indeed, it seems like a vexing situation -- if in fact she is well-meaning. The distinction between intention and action comes into play here. Even if this woman characterizes such benevolence, her inability to effectively transfer knowledge is quite an issue. Although I suppose we should appreciate her concern, regardless of aptitude. In any case, may you make it through the remainder of the term with minimal difficulty.

Today I came to realize how much I take joy in my atmospheric sciences class. The professor is absolutely delightful and like your instructor, exudes a genuine concern for the students. I am proud to proclaim that he possesses a particular adeptness for teaching the material as well. Alas, I must take my leave now, but I promise to follow up on this missive when I find the opportunity.

sympathetically yours,
naturalexponent

Dear Mister FakeThug,

I must say that I did not foresee receiving a letter from a flattering and genial stranger such as yourself! Despite the cheeky fashion in which you so boldly perused my privy correspondence, if you are anything like that which you have penned then I infer that you are a good-natured man. I thank you for your praise of my penmanship; it has certainly made me smile.

It thrills me to read that your nose is quite adept. I like to pretend that I possess a keen sense of smell, though it is not sharp enough to distinguish the lovely fragrance of lilacs from any other flower. I regret divulging this, but I had purchased that perfume on a whim and coincidentally happened to spritz hints of it on my wrist before sending my letter off to Master Naturalexponent. Alas, perhaps I simply take delight in inhaling pleasant aromas rather than deciphering them.

In any event, I am happy to make your acquaintance. I do anticipate hearing from you again, but do take your time. You must be buried under all your courier duties. Fare well, Mister FakeThug.

Kind regards,
Jutterbug

To the ever-dearest MyNormaJean,

I simply cannot begin to express how turbulently my emotions stir in anticipation of seeing you come evening. There is a limitless horde of halfwits about us who possess not an inkling of comprehension concerning male friendship such as the one we so passionately share. Though I have articulated my affections for you previously, I must promulgate it in writing once more.

A deplorable half-a-fortnight has but progressed since our last rendezvous. I regret that I slipped off into a slumber on that occasion, and I must apologize for my languid self. Today has transpired to be an immeasurably exacting day for jutterbug and myself, as we assiduously trekked around the village, preparing scrupulously for the evening's festivities. Undoubtedly, old chum, I had you in mind as we made the necessary purchases. As such I procured several containers of Boddington's for our very own indulgence! How I yearn for the old kingdom.. I recall your lauding this particular ale, and given my fondness for a certain amicable programme*, I thought it proper. If you cannot tell already, I am deathly enthusiastic about partaking in tonight's merrymaking. It will indeed be a house of mirth!

I contemplate it paramount that you my friend make the journey here unscathed. Be certain to dress yourself in a warm fashion, and take care not to neglect your choice of undergarments, for who knows what sort of homoerotic, yet completely heterosexual exploits will befall us. Circumstances now demand my attention, but I shall be anticipating your hardy embrace, at last fulfilling this disconsolate bosom.

With inimitable devotion,
Your comrade in justice, naturalexponent.

*friends

Oh my naturalexponent,

I am delighted to hear from you with such immediacy! It displeases me however to learn that your scholarly pursuits are hindered by the bothersome neighbors who gleefully cavort atop our luxurious building. No matter. Come tomorrow evening, we will have done some cavorting of our own, alongside our esteemed colleagues and acquaintances! Those simpletons will then recognize how hindersome they have been to you, my dear companion.

Do you recall the grievance I had that was evoked by the professor of my Filipino course? In any case, I had a bit of a dilemma today as I had her class slated at the same hour as the exam for my Logic course. Of course as you may have deduced, I fixated priority of the exam over her instruction. Following the exam, although unnecessary I brought myself to pay her a visit for I would have felt absolutely dreadful if I had not. Many may be convinced that because I abhor her method of teaching I similarly abhor her person. This is false. There exists a quality about this ever-bewildering lady that forces me to refrain from scorning her. Non, the reason being is not that we are of the same heritage, nor that we are of the same gender. I brooded arduously, finding no seemingly logical conclusion as to what prevented antipathy. As I awaited her arrival outside her office (she was moments away from returning from her lecture), she appeared.. and it was in that moment that I realized the hatred-deterring quality she possessed:

She was an echo of my mother. Physically, they were strikingly similar, save skin pigmentation and slightly less Spanish semblance on my professor's appearance. In terms of personality, both are very cordial women upon first glance, but they are wholly aware of how powerful their pleasant dispositions can be. Though chiefly the fundamental quality I perceive both women to have is that they are both misunderstood. The manner in which they communicate with me, or anyone close to them for that matter, is decidedly disjointed and severe. This is truly not their intention. I believe my professor, much like my mother, has a good heart and means well. She is squarely, as previously stated, misunderstood. Just as it happens when my mother serves me a plate of cold reproach, I find myself regretting all ill-will I had subsequently called upon her; but I adamantly stand by my conviction that her instruction is still unclear.

Pardon my tirade, I simply couldn't hold it in any longer. On to a more trivial piece of news, I am again able to wear jewelry on my ears! It has been aeons since anything has dangled from those flimsy pieces of skin and I feared for the most part that a closure would eventuate. Fortunately a closure had not developed, thus I am able to display them tomorrow evening for the festivities. Quelle chance!

Presently I must conclude this for I must conserve my energy for the inebriation that will ensue in the coming hours! Here here, har har!


Existingly so,
Your jutterbug

My dearest jutterbug,

I am overcome with a dreadful sense of ennui. The home is nearly vacant, as all our residential companions have journeyed back to their family homes for this weekend sabbatical. I lament that our mentally deficient, raucous neighbors refuse to mitigate their vacuous noises. It is indeed very difficult to put my mind to any serious undertaking surrounded by such a tumultuous disturbance. At the moment, I desire to place my energies into poring over an academic text, but cannot do so because of said distractions. In its stead, I now pen this letter in hopes that I may offer my mind some structure and focus.

I sincerely do hope the Post has been punctual, for it would be much to my dismay if I discovered these letters are not arriving to you in the promptest fashion. Especially with the week's end dawning upon us (meaning no Post deliveries) I am curious, with a slight sense of urgency, as to how you are faring.

At last, the activity outside has now all but subsided completely. I take this as my cue to resume my scholarly pursuits. Still, I approach my text with apprehension. I feel as if my heavy eyes are apt to betray me, and I earnestly have no wish to turn in for the night at this early hour. Presently I seek to examine our dear Plato's contentions concerning the alleged benefit of justice over injustice, explicated in The Republic. His works strike my fancy, and I beseech you to peruse the edition following my completion of it. Though somewhat antiquated, I am positive you will find several ponderous insights. Ah, and speaking of such, if I may propose, shall we set up the tradition of a certain academic exchange? So please, dispatch whatever intriguing scholastic materials you deem fit this way, my erudite colleague.

Until we meet again, I prithee, attend to your constitution with the same vigilance displayed by your canine companion when confronted by the taint of spirituous inebriation on a man's breath.

I fear I must now conclude this composition. Now I retire to the parlor to revel in visual entertainment. Good night, old friend.

Simplistically yours,
exponent au naturel (not genuinely unclothed at present)

Beloved Jutterbug,

My apologies for not sending out a response in a more timely fashion. I sincerely do wish this exchange is the genesis of an enduring epistolary venture. I now write with an eager spirit as I am filled with excitement and anticipation as to our correspondence.

As you so correctly indicate, we are mired in an unfathomable pit of cretins. Though more prudent judgment would advise me to take leave of this place, more pragmatic concerns anchor me thusly. I am cognizant that you are heretofore well aware of my disinclination toward the extraneous calefaction one might experience on a quintessential day in our grand state. Oddly enough, despite the point at which we now stand in our seasonal cycle, marked by unusually boreal weather for this region, I have apparently done some wrong to merit such pangs. These brambly, bothersome sensations I perceive throughout the whole of my corporeal self irk me to no end. It is my sincere conviction that one day it will break my psyche. So for the sake of thy very own paramour, I entreat you to intercede upon my behalf that we may be fortunate enough to receive at least a nominal degree of clemency from the capricious clime.

Withal, I anticipate I ought to immerse myself in my academic pursuits more acutely, as our term rapidly advances. No doubt you are performing more than sufficiently; I can proclaim with more than a modicum of certitude that we shall behold your sovereignty over the insufferable twits discussed beforehand.

'Til our next encounter, which I surmise will be anon, I bid thee fare well.

With love and encouragement,
Your wholly organic and natural exponent.

Dearest naturalexponent,

With a happy heart I begin our correspondence with wishes of good tidings! I am curious as to how you are faring among the primeval forms of life that schlep the grounds of our university. I have grown accustomed to their follies, and rather than loathe these creatures I've come to acknowledge their pitiful existence as a message from a higher being that things could be worse.

I apologize for being curt, but I must conclude this letter for I have a strenuous day ahead of me! I await your reply -- Tell me of your adventures, old boy!


A warm embrace,
jutterbug